In all my years of coaching I have come to the conclusion that male athletes are far more high maintenance than their female counterparts. I'm not sure why this is but a historical look back shows this to be the case and overwhelmingly so. For this reason (and others), if I were ever to have a child---and it's doubtful at best since I feel this planet is crowded enough with humans---I'd pray it was a girl. Then again, if she were to have a schnozz as haunkin' as mine she'd be cursed for life, so perhaps a boy wouldn't be so bad.But I digress.
Nearly every multisport trainer out there, with the exception of those conniving coaches who lie (and thus vie) for your bu$ine$$, will admit that there are high-maintenance athletes and there are low-maintenance athletes. And every coach I've ever spoken to regarding this confesses to favoring the low-maintenance types. After all, it makes their life a little easier and I've known few individuals who choose to make things hard on themselves (though we Ironman wackos certainly seem an exception to this rule). I myself appreciate the easy life as much as the next person, and it's for this very reason I opt not to "own" things or impregnate women, because these would both necessitate work (like, for example, the work involved in planning how to escape the country in which I'd just impregnated a woman). Work, all told, has never worked for me and truth be told, I'm getting all worked up just thinking about it.
But when it comes to coaching I actually prefer to work with high-maintenance types. "The hell," you say? It's not that I'd rather work with men just because I happen to be one (and a high-maintenance one at that), but simply because a high-maintenance athlete is, to me, an athlete who genuinely gives a sh!t how he does, assuming the maintenance has to do with performance improvement. Often times an athlete is simply being high-maintenance for the sake of it, and not really all that concerned with his performance. And indeed, this is an altogether different type of high-maintenance athlete. You see, there are two types of high-maintenance athletes: good high-maintenance types and bad high-maintenance types.
The good high-maintenance athlete asks a lot of questions and reports in more often than requested, often times when I'm in the shower or enjoying a nice spell of rapid eye movement at 3am local time…his local time. {Please understand, as per my opening sentence, that it is not without reason I use "he" in all of the above instances, though "he" can just as easily be a "she"…and I ain't referring to those fancy surgeries they can do nowadays. I've known plenty of high-maintenance women athletes and, in fact, I'm currently living with one. I better put a smiley face here so I don't get my arse kicked.} :)
But back to the good high-maintenance athlete for now. Often times I have no answer to "his" questions but it's at times like these I use my comprehensive understanding of the English language and respond with, "I don't know". Sometimes I employ my erudite adroitness to finagle my way out of answering his inquiries altogether. The ol' 'I never got that e-mail' is always an option for the good (or bad) high-maintenance type. And if neither of these two fine techniques do the job then I get by with a little help from my friends at Google. Thank God for Google! You want to know all about mitochondria? Go Google!
The good high-maintenance type, of course, asks all these questions (and plenty others) to learn…not just to be skeptical, as per the bad high-maintenance type.
The bad high-maintenance type asks questions so he has something additional to doubt. Then, as is his nature, he disagrees with any answer provided because he's enveloped in his own self-doubt. And because of this he feels the need to share this doubt and disperse it unto others. The bad high-maintenance type doubts everything, but of course he mostly just doubts himself. Never in a million years, however, would he admit to this. You see, not only does he doubt his doubt; he denies his denial.
Because of these traits the bad high-maintenance type is fairly easy to identify. But it's really only easy if you've dealt with those types in the past, as I have. You might even be one!
If you're not sure whether you're a high-maintenance type, be it good or bad, I've written the following to help you along.
Here's how to tell if you're a good, bad or neutral high-maintenance athlete…
1) If your coach hardly ever responds to your incessant inquiries you're a bad high-maintenance type.
2) If you compete as a professional there's a high probability that you're high-maintenance.
3) If you're more concerned with proving others wrong than you are with yourself, you're most likely a bad high-maintenance type. At the very least you carry those tendencies.
4) If you're more concerned about the numbers and the minutia in your training log than you are with your race results, you're not only a bad high-maintenance type, you're an idiot.
5) If you're always making adjustments to your coach's training plans, you're a bad high-maintenance type, though there is the possibility that he or she is simply a sh!tty coach.
6) If you put your trust in technology more than you do yourself, you're apt to be a bad high-maintenance type.
7) If you skip training because everything wasn't "just right" you're a bad high-maintenance type and I'd likely not coach you for long. (e.g., "the water was cold", "I didn't feel right", "This is such a hard sport", "The weather wasn't worth fighting", "Why are we doing hard sprints when triathlon is an endurance sport?", etc)
8) If you pretend not to be high-maintenance, you're high-maintenance, and probably of the bad ilk.
9) If you spend your "work" hours arguing on triathlon forums, rather than training or actually doing what you're being paid to do while at the office, you're the worst of the bad high-maintenance types and I hate you, you pitiful pathetic piece of poo.
10) If no one agrees to coach you, you're a bad high-maintenance athlete. Or an ass.
PS: If I sound livid, it's only because I am. Anger is a good motivator however, and I vow to get even with all you bad high-maintenance jerks trying to rain on my parade. Wait! Parades are stupid! As you were. And anyway, I'm not really angry: while I may be living in a world of hurt, I have that world by the balls. Bring it. Caveman up.






