The Save Your Life Diet

Gastro-intestinal bypass surgery. The Atkins Diet. The Zone Diet. The South Beach Diet. The Cabbage Soup Diet. The Jenni Craig Diet. Liposuction.

Obesity is as American as apple pie. (Alamode, of course!)

It's been said that 2/3rds of Americans are overweight. The truth of the matter, of course, is that we're not overweight. One cannot be overweight…you weigh what you weigh, whether it's over or under someone else's ideals.

But if we're not overweight then, what are we?

We are, quite simply, fat. F-A-T, fat.

America is full of fat people. Really fat people at that. We're the Land of the Free (free to shove anything down our gullets) and Home of the Brave (brave enough to keep doing it). There's a serious downslide taking place in contemporary America---a nation inundated by data and worthless video images, with high-decibel sales pitches and disingenuous political ads. Our economy is also heading south, so they say. But none of our nationwide troubles can compare to our individual health, or lack thereof. We are a land full of people with little regard for their personal well-being, each belly-flopping in their own ocean of obesity, seemingly stuck with low levels of self-esteem and self-respect. And how can we earn one another's respect if we don't even respect our own selves---our bodies---the only thing we'll possess from birth to death?

Each time I travel within the confines of our barricaded borders I'm literally taken aback at the state of this nation. Every which way I turn I'm confronted by humongous inhabitants, many of whom have more chins than a Chinese phone book! We're not overweight! We're overfat! Though you'd think I'd be used to it by now I still gaze in utter disbelief as these oversized individuals waddle from their oversized cars to their oversized Mondo-Marts, filling their oversized carts with oversized containers of crap. And crap it is! I truly believe if these fat folks ate as they were designed to they'd never get this fat. IF THESE FAT FOLKS ATE AS THOUGH THEIR LIFE DEPENDED UPON IT THEY'D STOP EATING!

Stop eating, people. Please. For your sake and the world you trample atop.

And this, by the way, is one of the premises for my new diet book. It's called, "The Save Your Life Diet."

Here's how it works…

1) You exercise. A lot. Naturally, a lot, when you've been doing none whatsoever, might be very little. All the same, you fatsos need to at least attempt to work up a sweat. Sweat, after all, is a good indicator of work, just as panting is. Start panting and drop a pant size! And forget all this BS about asking your physician before starting an exercise program! My guess is that he's also a fat-ass. And anyway, he's only going to tell you of the risks you may face while exercising. Of course, in order to exercise, you must "find the time". But this is the thing: the time is there, all right. And if it isn't, your time will run out that much sooner.

2) When you're hungry, you eat. But! There's a catch! You're only allowed to ingest real food. "Real food" is food that was recently ALIVE and was available only to our caveman brethren: vegetables, meats, eggs, fish, fruit, nuts, seeds and chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream. I kid about that last one, of course. Don't be tempted, you weak-willed monstrous maggots.

3) When you're not hungry---get this---you DON'T eat. Hunger is a signal that you should probably eat. Appetite, on the other hand, is not. REQUIRING AND DESIRING CALORIES ARE TWO DISTINCTLY DIFFERENT THINGS, FATSO. Develop an understanding on the difference between the two and recognize when you require food, not when you desire it. By the way, you NEVER require chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream.

4) You are to drink lots of water, and only water. Frappuccinos, soda pops, another animal's milk, soy "milk", smoothies, shakes, teas, alcohol, juices and other liquids should not replace your daily water requirements. Your body is nearly 2/3rds water (and if you're American most of that is stored within the copious amounts of adipose enveloping you!) and you need to maintain this balance.

There it is…the entire book. Four straightforward points that may SAVE YOUR LIFE. And if it doesn't it's probably because you waited (weighted) too much.


PS: Not that this has anything to do with anything, but this morning I was given a parking ticket on my motorcycle here in little ol' Solvang. The police officer, a mustached man with a beer belly (surprise, surprise), told me I was not allowed to park where I had been attempting to.

"Sir, you will incur a citation," he affirmed.

"That's fine by me," I responded.

He didn't get it and I was ticketed $34, which, naturally, I don't plan to pay in this lifetime.